Dancing with the Ring of FIre

2007-01-12T19:54:00.000-05:00

The one most important mistake we can make here in this church is not rising up and accepting our responsibility to stand up, go forth and speak in a loud voice in the political arena. Especially where it counts most, no matter where it might be. Otherwise if we ignore it, we face the threat of losing our way of life as we know it.

Therefore I must stress that everyone who knows what is important must do what is right and let their votes be heard in every election, from dog catcher to president.

That is how we emphasize our commitment to doing what is good, you see, and what sets us apart.

No other issue is ever as important as this. If we are not 1000% devoted to keeping up with every issue, from Blue Laws to What Movies To Watch, to being aware what swimsuits are allowable on public beaches, to what time liquor and alcohol stores can open and start selling cigarettes and girlie magazines on Sunday, then otherwise who can say what will happen to the world?

Then whose fault would it be? Not mine, if you don't let your voice be heard.

For crying out loud people, if allow ourselves to be distracted by anything other than this, then who do we expect to be in control of anything?

2006-12-31T22:00:00.000-05:00

People, as we approach the arrival of the New Year known as 2007, I must confess that I have not made no New Year's resolutions. I do not make no resolutions and neither should you, you see.

The reason is that if we make resolutions, that's the same thing as admitting right off the bat that we have not always been right, that we must correct our course and that we have not been right where we want to be all along.

We are already right where we wanna be and have been that way for more years than I can remember. Even old man Hitchensnout, who is 103 years old this June, cannot remember a time when we met in a different building, sung different hymns or painted the vestibule.

If you must make a resolution this year, resolve to turn yourself around 360 degrees and get yourself right, to find one place where you're comfortable and then hunker down and stay there, satisfied with what you done and all that you have achieved, so that you may take pride in setting the right example for our children and young people to follow as they grow, even though I can't stand having them in the service in the first place.

2006-12-25T10:10:00.000-05:00

People, for Pete's sake.

The only thing I wanted for Christmas this year, the only thing I dropped hints about endlessly, the only thing I left circled in plain view from the catalog was a snow-blower.

The idea of being trapped in the driveway is no way to live.

But do you think for one moment that's what I got? No sir.

My wife had a better idea and got me something called electric nose-hair trimmers. Her excuse was I didn't need no snow blower but needed nose-hair trimmers.

And after I went to the trouble of buying her a Tivo for the TV instead of new kitchen cabinets we don't need, because I seldom ever go in the kitchen in the first place except to see what's taking so long, you see.

Sometimes I wonder about that woman and why she can't act right even one day out of the year.

Looks like she ruined Christmas for me again this year and can't ever figure out the reason why I act like Scrooge when she makes me that way.

2006-12-24T13:45:00.000-05:00

If you missed our Seniors ringing all the joy out of their Christmas bells at this morning's service then people, you just plumb missed out.

Now let me say one more thing about our gifts and presents.

From the slim turn-out for today's Christmas Eve service, I suspect the most popular gift Santy Claus will be bringing this year is sacks of coal.

Many of you deserve not even that much, you see.

2006-12-21T13:22:00.000-05:00

Today I have two announcements to make which we will all receive as good news.

As you know, we were contacted recently by the members of another local church who were interested in "sharing" services with us for Christmas. People, in the first place I know nothing about these people except that I do not like the color they painted their steeple.

In the second place this idea of mingling of the members is all new. Therefore I cannot support it and will not discuss it.

I do not want to see our pews filled with people who don't belong here, especially when they have their own place to go.

The second piece of news is that we received several requests this week that I sing a solo with the choir during the Christmas Eve service. Those of you who have heard me sing already know there is no other sound on earth quite like it.

Therefore we will hold nominations to form a Song Singing Committee, which will then hold a series of meetings and discussions to recommend which songs I should sing.

Having the chance to form a new committee right at Christmas time might just be the best gift of all..

2006-12-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

Those of you who wonder what's wrong with the world need only turn on your TVs and see all of it. Even as I write this I am hearing that a Miss USA beauty pageant queen in New York will not hear YOU'RE FIRED but was told to stop her carousing, wrong-doing and acknowledge what she done wrong.

Instead of tossing her out on to be ridiculed and scorned publicly, and made an example of as she deserves, the big man in charge is giving her a second chance.

A second chance? Don't he know people never change?

People, handing out second chances just for the asking is the craziest idea I ever heard.

2006-12-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

People, do not forget that this coming Wednesday night in place of our usual Wednesday night service, we will be gathering instead on the mall parking lot to protest all the stores who take advantage of Christmas to pour filth into our community by selling yard decoration snowmen who are not wearing pants.

I have never understood why a Mrs Snowman is often seen wearing a shawl but nobody ever thinks to make Frosty put on some britches and stay covered up, you see.

We suggest everyone bring along signs saying the same thing, so we look united on the TV news. "Frosty Is XXX-Rated" and "Not In My Yard!" are my favorites.

PS. Deacon Murl pointed out that reindeer are in fact wild animals and as such should also be required to wear some sort of riding blanket or overalls to hide their nakedness as well.

I support this notion and wished I'd thought of it myself.

2006-12-14T09:10:00.000-05:00

People my email box has been literally smoking and catching fire from all the questions I've received recently asking about this year's Christmas eve service.

Let me just say Christmas Eve will be the same as always, and will not be ruined with surprises or anything new or different that might be distracting from what we do best and enjoy most.

As usual again this year our children's choir, led by Minnie Oleander, will sing an old-fashioned Christmas carol, probably from memory. After the kids are led away I'm sure we adults will sit on the edge of our seats with glad tidings as our Geriatric Choir presents their annual ringing of the Christmas handbells contata.

To me this best describes what the season is all about.

ps. Those of you wishing to leave presents for the pastor, and surely there are some, may drop them by the church office between 9-5pm. However electronics and restaurant gift certificates should be delivered straight to the house.

2006-12-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

Against all sense of rhyme, reason and everything in between, it seems some civic leaders in our community intend to give us an unwanted present for Christmas this year by repealing the city's Blue Laws.

People, I simply will not stand for it and neither should you accept it lying down either, you see.

For this reason I am therefore proposing a new set of Green and Yellow Laws which, when applied together, will have the same effect as the current Blue Laws.

In short, the Yellow Laws will affect the sale of any item on Sundays that might tempt the mind (like TV shows, books, magazines and the funnies section in Sunday newspapers), while the Green Laws will control temptations aimed at the flesh ... like supersized bar-b-q platters, "dessert bars" and brown gravy, in particular.

We must seek out filth, and stop vileness in its tracks from all directions at once.

ps. If there's no choir singing a Christmas contata this year at your church, then it's not no real church.

2006-12-04T08:49:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning with the most amazing idea. Next Sunday instead of having church, let's all get together and have some fun.

Don't that sound like a good idea? Say.

Instead of getting deeper into the word, why don't Deacon Murl and me haul a couple of garbage cans into the pulpit and start pounding on 'em with lug wrenches like a pair of grizzly bears drunk on Red Bulls and truckstop coffee until the whole congregation goes deaf and walks out dizzy with smiling and excitement. Don't that sound like a good idea?

No sir, it sounds ridiculous. Yet this is what's happening around us as Having Fun in Church becomes more important than traditions like choir robes and hymnal singing, you see.

Instead of pounding on trash cans in church, I'd suggest those hooligans climb inside their garbage cans, put on the lid real tight and wait for the county truck to come by and haul them off to the landfill where all manner of new things and Having Fun belongs.

Now I got a dogged splittin' headache, just thinking about all the racket and commotion.

2006-12-03T16:27:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to those of you who been calling the house all afternoon, interrupting my nap, wondering why there's been no church bulletin in the mail this week.

People it's because Miz Lovelady's adenoids been acting up again, and at her age she needs all her strength to turn the handle on the mimeograph machine so it might be another day or two before she's done writing them out by hand.

Remember that this week's bulletin will include the Approved List of TV programs acceptable for viewing in your home. As usual not much has changed, except that Lost has been moved down to Unacceptable, while Heroes has been moved up to Recommended.

2006-12-03T07:19:00.000-05:00

I done been hearing ugly rumors all weekend that because our furnace is broke that there will be no services today, you see.

In fact this rumor is corrupt and untrue. Not only are we having both services, but to make a point I will be preaching with a screwdriver in my hip pocket to teach those gossips among you a lesson.

Deacon Murl will be standing at the back of the auditorium, taking names of each person who lays out and blames the furnace for their laziness. After each service I will then use my screwdriver to remove the plaque from that family's pew, thus sending them to the back of the line so far as my favorites is concerned.

People, do I always feel like standing in the pulpit on Sunday mornings and looking out at all your blank, ignorint faces and trying to learn ya'll how to live right? No Sir, I do not but I do it any way irregardless so the least ya'll can do is show up and fulfill that role in the service.

Also PS. If you have children under the age of 20 or thereabouts do not embarrass yourself by asking me to have lunch following the service. I can't stand the ceaseless curiosity and mindless questions people that age are distracted by.

Plus all too often they talk with their mouths full and make loud smacking noises that reminds me of mopping the kitchen floor with a soaking wet towel, which is vileness itself and gives me bad indigestion.

2006-12-02T07:55:00.000-05:00

As though I need one more reason to stand in the front of the mirror and slap myself silly each morning to make myself Right, People I have found yet one more.

I must slap myself silly today for not emphasizing enough that the invisible internet web superhighway is the den of digital iniquity.

Yet many of you spend more time treating your brains as web surfboards than you do worrying about everything you done wrong in the past, and whether you done enought to fix it.

Thus, except to check here daily for inspiration and the comfort of reading words spoken in a loud voice there is no reason whatsoever for you to have the web internet temptations inside your home, you see.

Did you know daylight was created for working and nighttime was created for sleeping? To me it's as clear as warts after a long night of frog gigging.

Yet some of you prowl about the internet in the corrupt hours between midnight and four AM, unable to rest or find peace. Perhaps it is the vileness in your lives which prevents you from settling down and resting away from filth. Perhaps what you are doing is browsing and clicking your mouse to keep Guilt at bay.

When you drop by this page in the middle of the night and start your mouse-clicking like a horse running on cobblestones with its tail on fire, the noise wakes me up as if you were a cricket serenading me from the night stand. I do not understand why this happens except it has something to do with brain waves.

Nay, the internet may seem like your dependable companion as you venture aimlessly through the night like a stray cat seeking the odor of over-filled garbage cans behind The Beef Barn, but you will not find the juicy scraps you crave anywhere on the internet, because only Guilt Is Your Friend and Guilt is the mosty tasty meal of all.

If you must surf the internet web then I suggest you turn your back on high speed DSL and cable connections, and throttle down your exposure to filth by using a telephone modem instead.

2006-12-01T10:03:00.000-05:00

People, this morning I received a vile phone call from a woman who is a former member of our congregation.

I say "former" because after she gave me a literal tongue lashing for almost twenty-five minutes, which left my ear as red and sore as if I'd been riding a horse bareback with only the side of my face for a saddle, soon as she slammed down the phone I pulled her membership letter from the drawer, scratched out her address and forwarded it on down to the bad place where she belongs.

This woman is the mother of a 6 year old (I did not care much for this little hellion in the first place, because he reminds me of a sly kitchen mouse) who attended last year's Caroling Against Corruption Hayride, which is how we protest showing R-rated movies during Christmas time each year.

She demanded to know why the church continues to use the same hay in the wagon, instead of buying some fresh every year.

According to Miz Know-It-All you see, after last year's hay ride her precious little punkin woke up ate up with chiggers all over hisself, which she snootily informed me could be avoided this year by buying new hay with no red bugs in it.

Her ugly selfishness made me realize I done heard it all. People how on earth will young people and children ever learn nothing about how to live right if they never suffer, and life is handed to them like a sack of sweet feed spilled all over the stall for them to gobble down all they want?

Once again this only proves that having activities for young people to entice them to church only leads to trouble, dissension and more of what I don't like.

2006-11-29T10:39:00.000-05:00

For what seems like the 10,000th time let me give you Fair Warning about Christmas.

Even on so-called religious radio we are hearing words like "Merry Christmas" and "Holiday Cheer" when it should be as obvious as a bad case of ringworm that Holiday Cheer refers to liquor egg nog, suggesting that you drink alcohol to get yourself merry.

Cheer is vile and merry is corrupt, you see. Here are some others to look out for:

*Christmas trees do not grow nowhere near the Holy Land and therefore they are unnatural to use in church. Any certain church that corrupts its building with them is vile, and has revealed their true self ... as if stringing tinsel and colored lights all over that big statue of their pastor wasn't already enough to do it.

*Santy Claus, an old man who we're told lives in a remote place with unmarried elfs, sounds filthy to me. Neither Santy Claus nor his elfs is mentioned nowhere in any verse I can find, but somehow during Christmas we forget about someone who IS mentioned who also happens to wear red, who also has lots of "helpers," who also likes to sneak into our homes uninvited.

Decide for yourself if this is the same person, then cast "Saint Nick" and his legions out, along with the temptation of free gifts he offers to deceive and corrupt you.

*Mistle toe has no place in any upright home. Too often have I seen young people intentionally position themselves beneath it, stare lustfully into each others' eyes and then start dancing.

*Nativity Scenes using dolls instead of real babies in the manger. People this may be the worst of all because it is Fake and an intentional Deception. We have a duty to be honest in all things and rubber baby dolls fool nobody, not even Old Man Hunibutt's one good eye when he's awake.

No matter that it gets harder and harder every year to find children of any size within our congregation to strap down into the manger, we only wind up looking lazy and selfish if we don't stick to doing things the exact same and right way they always been done, which is what we should expect of ourselves at all times.

2006-11-27T08:27:00.000-05:00

Mercy me, can it possibly be Christmas already?

People at last we see what's really behind the modern megladon church Big Numbers movement trend. I will not name names, but it seems as clear as the odor in a billy goat's beard that many modern pastors lust after numbers, numbers and more numbers all year long just because the pastor wants thousands of gifts when Christmas-time finally rolls around, you see.

Naye, when I was a kid growing up in Dirt Farm, Georgia I woke up as excited as two cats tied together by their tails just to find a new sack of BBs waiting under the little pine tree we decorated with sardine and vienna sausage cans and strings of dry navy beans instead of popcorn because store-bought decorations was a wordly temptation we resisted.

Now many of you have asked whether it is upright to play Christmas carols in your homes. Although some songs seem OK on the surface remember that the voice that sings them is vile and corrupt and only sings carols to maintain their filthy unclean Nashville lifestyles throughout the rest of the year.

Therefore we will continue holding our annual Christmas Carol Bonfire on the mall parking lot, permit or not, and encourage you to burn your Christmas records and CDs in this call for repentance, which is our gift to the community again this year.

Also bear in remind that carelessly exchanging words like "Merry" and "Happy" with total strangers on the street or in shopping stores is an open invitation to welcome unclean emotions where they do not belong, and must caution you against it.

2006-11-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

Because I had trouble sleeping last night knowing that so many people will be celebrating, having a good time and enjoying themselves on this Thanksgiving Day, I decided to use the hours before the sun rises and shines down on sinners making a list of all I have to be thankful for:

* I am thankful for having lived my life the right way since I was 5 years old, and can look down my nose at others so sincerely without being judgemental.

* I am thankful for having preached to the same people as long as I can remember, and have not once been distracted by numbers, numbers and more numbers or by having to learn any new names.

* I am thankful we have never stooped so low as to allow drums, electric guitars, big video screens, tattoos, piercings, freaks or pianos into our service. Nor have we ever considered allowing women to wear pants to church except on Wednesday nights during football season.

* I am thankful my congregation values the importance of real wood pews with hard upright backs, stained glass windows, cloth-bound hymnals, mahogany offering plates, choir robes in both winter and summer colors, and real steeples playing bells every Sunday between 10:45 and 11am.

* I am thankful for having the common sense to know to wear a suit, tie and polished leather shoes with shoestrings to church.

* I am thankful for our committees who keep us on the straight and narrow, and for their cynicism which has so many times killed new ideas right off the bat, preventing us from running off the nearest cliff lickety-split just because some nut who moved here from another so-called church thinks we can fly and soar like eagles, when here in our heavenly nest is where we actually belong.

* I am also thankful for our deacons, who support and rubberstamp my authority to dismiss anything I don't like.

* I am thankful we have a real Sunday School taught by real adults for an hour every week, who aren't afraid of jerking a pure knot in any child who cuts up or forgets to memorize their lesson.

* I am especially thankful for my right-hand man and sidekick Deacon Murl, who once each summer goes to the county work farm and carries back any leftover Kool Aide and popsicles for our kids to enjoy during Vacation Bible School (I know the little ones especially appreciate this after spending all week mowing and weeding around the sanctuary on hot July afternoons.)

* I am thankful for the seniors and the apples they carry back each fall, even though most of them have eyesight so bad they can't tell the apples they give me is full of worms and don't do it intentionally, bless their hearts.

* And finally I am most thankful for my wife, who gave up long ago pestering me about having children, because after 25 years she finally understood as I do that it's only the adults and what suits them that matters to me the most.

And besides, since having children would be completely new and different from what I'm used to, I never saw no reason to do it in the first place. Which is something you all have to be thankful about every day of the year, you see.

2006-11-21T20:04:00.000-05:00

Single people, when I sit down to counsel married people I usually see two problems festering like tick bites right there under the skin. For this reason I lose patience with couples who come in for counseling expecting to talk and be listened to, when I already have the answers in mind.

The first problem is that too many women fail to accept their submissive role in the marriage. This is usually the wife's mama's fault, for not teaching her right from the start, which I enjoy pointing out ... because oftentimes what happens next is even funnier and more exciting than tying a roman candle to a cat's tail, lighting it and watching real close to get an eyeful of what happens next.

The second marital problem revolves around mis-use of the word Communication, you see, meaning to either share or express.

Naye, since the man is the head of the house and the woman must be submissive in her role, can anybody tell me therefore what needs communicating? If I ever felt the need to communicate with my wife all I'd do is pick up the phone, start dialing numbers, and then tell her what to have ready for supper by the time I get home.

It's as simple as that because a woman appreciates knowing who is in charge at all times and who is her master.

Too often high-dollars words like communication, feelings and being sensitive are used on TV talk shows aimed at simple minds fueled by emotions, and amount to tricky traps women set for husbands to fall into, just like we seen in The Garden.

Unless you have rocks in your head I have already cleared up 95% of the problems facing most married couples today. The other 5% is created by how women waste money watching QVC, which I will discuss at another time.

Husbands, do not be confused and lower yourself from the authority at the topmost branches of the tree. That is not your role. Be like the king gorilla and be proud of living your life at the top of your tree.

Wives, look closely at yourselves to see everything as your husband sees, remember what it was like being single, and rejoice that the Prince Charming you married is still the big ape you suspected all along.

2006-11-20T07:56:00.000-05:00

People I am not at all enthusiastic about launching head-first into unfamiliar territory just because Daydreaming seems to be the latest "hot" trend at Church Follow-the-Leader Conferences and has spread like leftover jelly among so-called modern churches interested in nothing but numbers, numbers numbers.

Therefore I am in agreement with the Board of Deacons that we form a Study Committee to evaluate and form a list of objections before we sponsor a student ministry near the college, as some have suggested, and encourage you to continue our support for the Backrow Baptist Bowling League instead.

In particular I am concerned because having too many young people join our congregation would upset the balance, you see, as people of that age might start inviting their friends to church and make the situation even worse as the adults are outnumbered and become lost in the crowd, though their names are clearly revealed on each pew and stained glass window.

Naye, churches must always be careful about allowing unchurched people through their doors and sliding around on their pews. People not used to church often have no appreciation for the traditions and rituals that are important to us and sacred above all else, and often embarrass themselves by asking us questions like, "What did today's sermon have to do with real life?"

Thus if for some reason and out of the blue your teenager or college student suddenly asks to invite a friend to church and catches you offguard, immediately pat the top of his immature head and say firmly, "I'm sure that seems like a good idea to you, but people like your mamma and I do not associate with people like that, and neither should you. There are plenty of other churches for people like that to attend, so please don't ever start thinking like that again."

Yea, then tan their little fannies with a belt if you catch them doing otherwise.

2006-11-12T14:19:00.000-05:00

People, I want to apologize right off the bat for the ruckus this morning some of you may have heard coming from the church steeple.

As you may know, last week's storms caused several shingles to tear loose, exposing the braces to further damage.

Deacon Murl and his son Clyde volunteered to climb the steeple and repair the damage in time for today's service. But in his hurry, somehow Deacon Murl re-shingled and nailed Clyde up inside the steeple.

That was Clyde hollering in the steeple you heard this morning; I guess the organ music woke him up when we began singing, you see.

Therefore I suggest we hold an Emergency Business Meeting tonight to discuss whether to form a Committee to study how and whether to get Clyde out. Once a decision's been made and if there's no objections from the Building Committee, there's no reason we can't move ahead with presenting a proposal to the Budget and Finance Committee on Wednesday night.

So I feel confident by Saturday we can begin voting on a plan to get something done before we talk the problem to death and lose interest completely.

2006-11-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

Now many of you are probably asking yourselves, "How come Reverend Joe Dale didn't show up for the picture?"

Well people, the answer is simple. Suffice it to say that I am in the picture, only you can't see see me.

Because after Deacon Murl told me what a certain modern pastor described the other day in his blog, my feet shot out from under me and I fell prostrate on the floor, with all four arms and legs sticking straight up in the air like a four day old possum like you see lying on the side of the road.

2006-10-30T11:15:00.000-05:00

Dear gussy and for pete's sake.

People, I thought Deacon Murl was liable to stroke out this morning when he told me what the sermon topic was about last night at a certain so-called church.

Pastor Too-Tall spoke on the subject of sex and marriage, as though those two things was somehow interconnected and combined. But the words he says make no sense, you see.

Because how can you have marriage and be bouncing from one room to the other having all kinds of noisy giggling sex ... and still have purity? I'd like to hear the answer to that one, because there's not one in my book.

I suggest people with brains engage the transmission and learn to use them.

Thus I must speak in a loud voice calling for action to BAN this seven foot tall menace from our church community.

2006-10-24T20:57:00.000-04:00

Yaye, my mouth feels like I done ate a 4-pack of hand soap bars in preparation and study for my upcoming new ... well, ever time I burp out comes a big bubble of righteousness, you see.

2006-10-16T11:12:00.000-04:00

People, because of a scheduling conflict with the Georgia-Florida game on October 28, we will be postponing this year's Fall Revival until early next year.

As I always do each year with the Fall Revival, the subject will be "Digging Down Deeper Into The Word"

By "Digging Deeper" I will answer important questions like:

-On what day of the week was Adam created?
-Could animals talk back in the Garden days, before Eve tempted Adam with the apple?
-Can angels hover in mid-air, like helicopters?
-Contextual differences between Greek and Hebrew punctuation

The deacons continue to tell me "Digging Deeper" is their favorite subject, and inspires them throughout the year to hold the course, stay straight and steady, just like we always done.

I look forward to teaching this message as soon as the bowl games wrap up and the national championship has been decided.

Till then Go Dawgs, you see.

2006-10-13T09:24:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna upchuck till my eyes roll back in their sockets if I don't come forward and spit this out.

People, how would you feel if you was to drive up to church Sunday morning and seen there's 8000 people lined up waiting to get inside?

Would you be real excited? I certainly would not be, no sir.

I'd turn my car on around on the parking lot, head back out and never look back once if this church got so big I didn't know everybody's name and their business, or if I got lost trying to find the way to my own office.

Besides finding a place to park, how on earth could you ever find your seat, even with your nameplate facing the aisle? And even worse, what if somebody was already sitting there by the time you got through pushing and shoving your way through the crowd?

The last thing you'd expect in any church is not being able to sit down and enjoy the same pew your personal tithe done paid for.

What if all of a sudden every one of them people decided they had to stand up and go to the bathroom all at the same time? People I pity the plumbing, is all I can say on that.

But that doesn't begin to reveal what a certain so-called modern church has been up to.

What if I told you they allowed Sinners into the service?

Would you want your family to be forced to sit in a crowded auditorium surrounded by Sinners, people you don't know, people who never been before and don't know how to act in church, asking personal questions about your faith (which must be keep private to remain strong and pure), much less elbowing your ribs every time we stood up to sing a hymn?

The mere idear of allowing Sinners, especially well-known and notorious Sinners who been bad their whole lives, into a church service makes me break out in hives. Just as mixing Co-cola with Mountain Dew is vile, mixing sinners with decent folks only leads to corruption.

I would rather be pastor of a church with just three members than to preach to a church with 8 million members if I thought there was just one Sinner in the congregation lurking among them.

The world is full of many other places for Sinners to go, and decent language prevents me from saying the main place is spelled h---. Sinners do not belong in church, least not till they get theirselves straightened out and have stayed that way for three years.

2006-10-12T23:27:00.000-04:00

People, to say I am all shook up would be an outright lie.

Thus, neither will I say it nor should you believe such a thing, because verily I myself do not shake, nor do my parts ever become shaken or stirred in any way, you see.

It is outrage itself which is trembling beneath my feet.

I will not add to filth by saying more except this: certain subjects must not never be discussed, naye, not never not no how not no way not on no account no matter what the reason.

2006-09-19T09:33:00.000-04:00

Tuesday 9:28 am

People, frequently I sit here and ask myself extremely deep and complex theological questions.

For example, yesterday I asked myself "Could I be wicked if I was locked up all day here inside my office?"

Of course the answer is "No," especially if the telephone was unplugged, you see.

Now, the world outside my office is a different matter.

Once we get behind the wheel of our automobiles and begin driving through the cesspool around us, cheap gasoline, flavored ice creams and the availability of ATM machines on every streetcorner make it too easy for us to overload all sense of shame and decency ... and submit to vileness and temptation.

Therefore I am always on the lookout for strength and encouragement as I drive, and intentionally seek and keep an eye out for bumperstickers and particularly church signs to reveal hidden messages and truths to help me keep myself right.

These are a few of my favorites, and I hope they inspire you to get yourself right and turn yourself around 360 degrees.

-I'd Rather Tithe Than Drive to Hell In A Nice Car
-Will Hades Be Your Family's Next Vacation Hot Spot?
-The Lake of Fire Has No Shallow End
-Eternity Lasts Longer Than Lust!
-Follow Me to The Rapture
-Guess Who's My Co-Pilot?
-Honk If You Hate Filth, Vileness and Corruption

Here's my all-time favorite:
-My Faith Really Is All About Me

2006-09-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

Let me say right up front that our Sunday School (for ages 0-19) is not no kinda free babysitting service or day care for sloppy parents, where folks who don't even tithe can drop off their younguns and then sit back, relax and enjoy themselves for two or three hours while I teach.

I say this to remind parents that the lady running our nursery is authorized to spank misbehaving children and little brats in particular (she spanked me once when I was that age and believe me, even if her eyes aren't so good and her aim's a bit off nowdays, Mrs. Burpwright spanks hard).

This is how we teach them, and that is what they leave having learned, having missed that lesson back at home.

2006-09-15T07:16:00.000-04:00

If you are like me and verily you should be, fall is your favorite time of year.

Not only because September is the month when we look forward to trading in last year's vehicle on the latest model to preserve our original investment, but also because leaves change color and turn brilliant red before withering and falling to the ground, from whence we must rake them up into big piles on the curb to be carried away to the landfill, you see.

Certain modern churches with members who wear dungarees, earrings and t-shirts might learn much by studying the habits of leaves.

Eventually every leaf must stop growing, else leaves would become too great a weight for the limb to support, and the limb would break and fall away from the trunk and likely land on somebody's new car.

If leaves did not wither, soon no trees would have no limbs or branches, and the woods would look like telephone pole farms- and where would all the birds live then?

Not in my attic; that would be vile, though they are welcome to come roost in yours if you don't know no better than to prevent it.

Thus as I sit on my front porch in the early hours before dawn, before other folks wake up to embrace filth and corruption, I watch the squirrels in my trees working to store nuts for the winter that is almost upon us.

We should follow this example of our bushy-tailed rodent friends, and work like busy squirrels to save and store our nuts- while choosing only the choice nuts from the strongest limbs, and not those that are easily found and picked up from the dirt.

See for yourselves what words are spoken in a loud voice.

2006-09-13T08:49:00.000-04:00

Yea, throughout most of recorded history people have been asleep and slumbered through both the day and night thinking that silence would last forever, yet beneath their feet the ground was trembling with tremors as volcanos and violent calamities grew in size, belched out hot gases, made noises and prepared to erupt.

Naye, but none smelled or feared what was coming until this thing they dreaded could no longer contain itself, and suddenly appeared before their very eyes for them to gaze in astonishment upon.

Those who understand words, particularly words spoken in a loud voice and including those already familiar with what hot air means, surely know what terrible thing is coming from this direction.

2006-08-25T22:45:00.000-04:00

People, this Sunday is already shaping up in ways that is making my hair fall out when I brush it out real good in the bathroom mirror.

Tomorrow at 10:00 AM remember to bring your TV sets to the Nan and Otis Lovelady Memorial Pastoral Garden (adjacent to the old sanctuary) for our First Annual TV Burning.

Deacon Murl donated 30 gallons of farm-quality kerosene, and did some work beforehand with his backhoe, so we're expecting to send Hollywood a strong message with tomorrow's turnout. ANd we will have ushers present to make sure your TV is already plugged in and tuned in before you chuck it into the fire.

With any luck this will become an annual event.

I will see you there, you see.

2006-08-19T17:18:00.000-04:00

People, do not forget to attend tomorrow's "Clam Bake for Missions" fundraiser to be held immediately after the service, behind the old assembly building.

Miz Aviola Gunter has promised to bring her Crab Boiled Alive Surprise again this year, which has me so hungry already I've almost ground my teeth down to nubs, hankering for a taste.

The only thing I like better than crabs is being called one, you see.

Last year we raised a love offering of $47.62 and I hope we can send along at least that much again this year (especially if we get our deposit back on the stomach pump rental).

ps. Do not bring so-called "devilled crabs" into any part of the church building or its facilities, that term offends me. But devil's food chocolate cake is OK, so long's as I get the biggest piece.

2006-08-10T20:44:00.000-04:00

(An aside to R'becca ... the answer is ASA 800. And maybe a +3 gnd filter next time, to knock down the sky, but not a polarizer - they always look too obvious.)

2006-08-10T15:10:00.000-04:00

One of the most rewarding opportunities I look forward to is counseling young couples in preparation for their departure into the matrimonial bliss of wedded marriage.

Too often I see young couples before me whose eyes are shining full of youthful excitement and nervous expectation, which makes me sick, because such enthusiasm merely reveals the impure desires of the itchy flesh hidden inside their hormones that have consumed their brains and left them like two creatures turned loose in the barnyard after midnight.

I admonish these young squirrels, and scold them in a loud voice for their unnatural cravings, and quickly urge them from my office, releasing them like diseased bass back into the chemically imbalanced waters of Lake Lust.

People, this is what I counsel those who are serious and earnest about making a lifetime committment to marriage without a bunch of yelling, name-calling and tongue-biting when visiting the in-laws.

To the men I say, Remember that a woman does not think the same way as a man. A woman is a delicate, fragile creature created as an afterthought, from spare parts. A female thinks with her heart, while the man who is built bigger, stronger, faster and better in every way, thinks entirely with his brain.

For this reason, I teach grooms-to-be that the husband should never feel it is necessary to discuss his personal business with his wife, because she will not understand it. Or even worse, she will ruin his mood by asking lots of accusatory questions.

Which is why I tell all the brides-to-be, No one is listening when both people are talking, so remember that the husband is always right, every time and in every way. And also, learn to cook every dish he likes exactly the same way his mama did before you get married, so you will never disappoint or anger him in your helplessness.

Thus in two simple sentences I have described all I know, and all there is to know, about how to make a marriage work. There can be no room for argument or discussion once both parties accept and live according to the fact that The Man Is Always Right, and agree to abide by the rules he lays down.

2006-08-09T10:28:00.001-04:00

People, when I first begun preaching at the Bacon Creek Baptist Church in Frog Lick Arkansas, it was my habit to type out my sermon notes and then use them for reference as I delivered the message on Sunday mornings.

Many times I had accumulated 30, sometimes 40 single-space typed pages of notes only to be halfway through the lesson and have a draft from the baptistry blow down toward the pulpit like the great north wind, and scatter my notes all across the front three pews.

Without my notes to fall back upon I realized I had lost my place you see, and had no choice but to close the service with a 35 minute invitation.

This is why I no longer take the short cut of typing notes or drawing up index cards to draw upon, nor do I spend any time preparing for the sermon. I do not wish to suddenly lose my place and thus instead I only speak what's inside my head and on my mind for the full 40 minutes.

Seldom if ever does any other preacher do this, and thus I am widely hated and reviled by most.

But when I speak and speak in a clear voice I do not feel the need to explain myself, because there should be no doubt that my words are unhindered by a bunch of fancy book-reading, or muddled by s0-called quiet time, or any danger at all of thoughts emerging.

2006-08-03T13:36:00.000-04:00

Ya'll quit your whining and hush up.

Yaye, I know it's hot outside. I also know it's hot inside the building as well. But guess what? In six months it's gonna be COLD outside and then COLD inside the building. By then you will have forgot about wanting air-conditioning, and be hollering for some heat instead. The weather changes, but still ya'll find something to complain about.

Instead of complaining, the terrible heat should be reminding you why it's important to follow each and every one of the rules and laws necessary to know where you're headed. Because if you don't act exactly the right way and keep looking over your shoulder at all times, believe me you're gonna think the temperature outside is like living on an iceberg compared to where you're going.

And those of us who will be upstairs in fenced-off mansions with our names on the curb is solid gold letters will be looking down, laughing and saying "See there? I told you so."

Naye, if I hear so much as one more complaint about heat stroke, I will re-schedule next week's revival to take place on weekdays between 2-4pm and extend it to last two weeks. Maybe even three weeks, just push me and find out what words I mean when I say them.

Explain your absence to your boss then, whoever you decide is the one that matters the most.

2006-07-31T09:10:00.000-04:00

Over the past year I have received at least two e-mails asking me why my church does not have no web page, where people can find driving directions and service times, or look up on a calendar to see what activities is coming up.

People, this is not a hard question but I will try to answer it anyway.

We are not no new fast-food church trying to attract new customers so we can advertise 3 billion people served.

We do not have no "Parking Team" standing beside the highway Sunday mornings waving at strangers, with the "Traffic Team" counting everybody that waves back as a visitors, so on I can announce on the interweb how we keep on growing and piling up big numbers.

The congregation already knows how to find the building, and that's all there is to say about that.

Secondly, posting a church activities calendar would be stupid. Folks already know our calendar, because our activities do not change.

We do three services every week. Onest a year we do a revival. Our youth program has vbs and a youth retreat one weekend a year, and we make cassette tapes of the service available to shut-ins for only $25. So don't say we don't got our hands full.

Church was not meant to be exciting or modern, nor are sermons meant to be creative, practical or relevant. The only thing you should feel when you walk out is pitiful and miserable, and I'm proud to say I got the most pitiful, miserable congregation in America.

Anybody who's heard me teach will agree that this is the unvarnished truth.

2006-07-30T16:50:00.000-04:00

I want to apologize to those of you who were there this morning and saw we had both the police and an ambulance pulled up to the front steps before the service, and wondered what all the commotion was about.

An unfortunate incident took place when the widow Mrytlebottom keeled over, and dropped like one of them fainting goats right on top of the bucket we use to hold the pins for Visitors buttons.

Her brother Francis told me she's done that since she was a kid, and not to worry, that in her condition she didn't even feel the EMTs pull out the pins (though she did appear to twitch a bit on each one).

What caused Widow Mrytlebottom to faint was seeing a woman show up for the service who apparently didn't know we got a dress code.

This woman, who was the guest of a member (who will be answering to me and the deacons on Monday night), was dressed in such a fashion that was vile, corrupt and obscene ... and then she decided she did not appreciate being told she must change her filthy clothes, or not join our service.

This woman thought we were kidding, the rapid police response showed her we were not. From what I heard, they needed both sets of handcuffs before she settled down up at the pokey.

It comes down to this: if you are a woman, do not wear britches or pants suits to church (if you are a man britches is ok, but not blue jeans, dungarees, tennis shoes or Hawaiian shirts). And I don't never want to look out and see no headbands holding up no mess of stringy straight hair, much less a woman wearing more than one earring in each ear, fire-engine-red lip gloss or black eye liner.

All those things are traced straight back to none other than Little Richard, who opened evil's back door, and let Elvis come crawling inside the house with a whole lotta shaking going on.

If these rules is ignored again the future I will have no choice but to follow Deacon Murl's recommendation, and begin having one service for the men in the sanctuary and a separate service for the women on a TV screen in the assembly building.

2006-07-28T17:56:00.000-04:00

Urgent for Sunday:

Our organist Miz Ham Thornbush has been laid up in the bed sick all week, and I ran by her house this afternoon to check on her condition.

It looks to me like she's just having a nervous breakdown, and needs to put down the pork rinds and get hold of herself. But she will be unable to play this coming Sunday, which means we need to find a replacement.

Deacon Murl said his oldest youngun Barlowe could play, but the truth is I don't know whether Barlowe is a boy or a girl, or maybe neither, and don't want that kind of confusion anywhere near the organ.

If you or someone you know plays the organ, please ask them to give the office a call on Saturday. But make sure this person has a presentable appearance, and knows not to fall asleep, where I have to chuck an eraser to get their attention at the end of the message.

2006-07-27T09:07:00.000-04:00

People, I have never been one to believe in secular words like vision or leadership. When I was a kid no one ever talked about the pastor's vision, unless he wore bi-focals, or traipsed along behind a German shepherd tapping his way with a cane, bless his heart.

The only leadership preachers were expected to provide was getting everybody from the memorial service to the graveside and back, without nobody getting lost or stuck in traffic behind red lights.

Vision and leadership is not necessary when a church makes decisions the right way, which is the old way, according to how we always done things in the past.

And since the old way is the right way and good enough for me, it should be good enough for everyone else as well.

Now. Yesterday as I was stuck in traffic on Main Street behind a minivan going so slow I had to blow the horn at every green light between Shockley Ferry all the way the interstate to wake the driver up, something strange happened.

I began to see how we fail as witnesses in our everyday lives, and fail to communicate how our lives is different from the sinners beneath us in even the smallest ways.

For the first time I begun to see that it is not enough to put bumperstickers on our cars saying The Man Upstairs Is My Co-Pilot. We can do more than boycott movie theaters, burn rock and roll music CDs during Youth Week, and criticize churches with bigger memberships than our own.

Even the way we talk must leave no doubt about our self-righteousness.

Verily, from this moment on I am declaring that each of us change how we talk, so that even the most corrupt will hear, and take notice ... by talking scriptural from now on, and using words like thee, thou, thine and art in our everyday speech.

This will doeth more to proveth to the world whoest thou art better than anything visioneth or leadership couldeth tell me.

2006-07-26T09:45:00.000-04:00

A few minutes ago I got off the phone from talking with Deacon Murl.

Seems like he's got hisself a problem, and called to see if I could help out. What happened was his wife Lotty-Dotty had just got back from the Grizzly Grocery's big out-of-date sale.

The problem was she done bought so much, Deacon Murl had no place to put everything in his freezer.

Thus, I spoke clearly and told him, "Then you must thrown out what you will not use, and also what smells bad, to make extra room."

Now, Deacon Murl is prone to sass, and talking back.

He did not see the point of throwing one thing out to make room for something else. I could not explain that two things cannot fit in one place at the same time, or that a dressed-out deer eats up freezer space like nobody's business.

Nor that his wife had no business buying four cases of cool whip, neither.

Finally I lost patience. So I hung up and called down at the county, and told Deacon Murl's supervisor he'd laid out of work and was not at no doctor's appointment, because the only doctor Deacon Murl needs is Dr. Reprimand.

Therefore Deacon Murl will have the next two weeks free, to make all the room he needs in his freezer. Serves him right for sassing.

People, can any of you be so brain-afflicted that you do not see today's lesson? Surely there are some. If it was a snake you woulda already been bit and rolling around on the floor crying for mommy by now.

When you need answers, many times advice is close as the ice box. Look inside your freezer, look at what's melting on the floor cause you got no more room, and compare what you see to inside your church.

Yea, though you may hear about "exciting" new churches with dozens of new members every year, you can rest assured about one thing: the only way a church can make room for a bunch of unwashed sinners is by throwing something else out first.

I will not name names, but it is a well-known fact that in 7 years the pas-tor of a CMC (short for what I call Certain Modern Church) has preached nearly 2000 times ... without once mentioning or opening the book. That says it all right there.

Makes you wonder what he's doing to fill up the hour, don't it? I have no idea, but surely it must be"creative" and "exciting" because the congregation talks about walking out feeling "ethusiastic." But there is no book along with it, you see.

You'd be more likely to carry on a conversation and wind up engaged to a talking donkey than you would to find the book mentioned inside that church. That's a fact, which many people have heard and say so.

Either choose preaching the word or preaching to big numbers, but there's not no way you can have both, and squeeze each one into the same hour on Sunday mornings.

No preacher can keep a congregation awake only talking about the book for that long no how.

2006-07-25T08:24:00.000-04:00

It does not take no Rick Warden, theologian egghead or purpose-driven apologist to know that I do not suffer nonsense or foolishness lightly. Nor am I one to indulge in wasteful recollections of happy times from my childhood, when I was ignerent and didn't know better, when childish things are outgrown and no longer matter.

Yea, long ago I put aside childish foolishness, skipped through vile teenaged lust, rock and roll rebellion and sarcastic stubborness, and moved straight into what I have become today.

But I would like to share one of my most cherished childhood memories with you now, not for vain gloriousness or attention, but to warn and steer you away from the usual filth we take for granted in our churches today.

While most childrens selfishly looked forward with excitement to receiving un-earned gifts and presents from Santy Claus, what I anticipated the most was the one week of the year set aside for Vacation Bible School.

In those days we had no big new modern facility, no stereo TVs or videos, and no Eiffel Tower to distract our attention. Folks shoot, we didn't even have air-conditioning. The only thing we got was one crayon apiece to color the apostles in our workbooks, and for all those things I am greatful.

Where we lived in Turtle Bite, Florida, sitting in a hard wood chair on the top floor of an un-air-conditioned two-story brick activities building for six July hours a day was all the preview we needed of where we were all heading, if we didn't get ourselves straightened out and start living right in a hurry.

Thus I only have the best memories from those days, and can still taste what flour paste was like as we mixed our own glue to make Bible Verse Scripture Fans for the invalids and shut-ins.

I remember what warm grape Kool Aide mixed in metal buckets tastes like and I still recall what our clothes smelled like by the time 4 o'clock rolled around, as though Buddy Bunson's t-shirt shirt was wrapped around my head like a Halloween mask.

(Nay, we did not celebrate no trick or treat nor did we feed our faces with sticky candys or marshmellow treats neither, although to this day they remain my favorite.)

I also never forgot what it felt like getting tongue splinters from focusing on the flesh, and trying to lick the last ounce of juice from a banana popcycle stick.

Thus, nowdays I do not lick my popcycle stick too quick, you see.

People I hope my point is made clear. Vacation Bible School is not about vacation and corruption, cutting up and being excited. No sir.

VBS is a week set aside each year strictly for memorizing verses, learning the right way to sit still and behave, and how to report back to the teachers on those among us who didn't.

Our reward in those days for memorizing the most verses was an extry half of a popcycle, if any was left over by the end of the week. But now we see our true reward came from seeing how what we learned back then makes us stubborn and critical today.

Piling a bunch of screaming younguns into a big new building to cut up and get excited about coming back will not achieve the same thing, not never no way.

2006-07-24T22:54:00.000-04:00

People, for the past nine years Mr. and Mrs. Morty Schnood have generously donated the flowers you see in the vestibule and in front of the pulpit every Sunday morning, and I'd like to say Thank You for the beautiful arrangements they delivered again yesterday morning.

But I can't, because Morty and Eugenia carried his mama and them off to the mountains last Friday to celebrate her 110th birthday and forgot all about it. So for the first Sunday in almost ten years we had to make do without no flowers.

That's plumb lovely, isn't it? People, I was too upset to even give the invitation, if you're wondering the reason why. So now you know.

Isn't how some people forget awful?

If the Schnood family don't care about there being no invitation on a Sunday morning on account of their pure laziness, then I guess I'm glad we all found out the truth in time.

The Schnoods will not be welcomed back into this flock, that they may graze out their days elsewhere, amongst the weeds of vilness they have sown into the soil of filth for themselves to indulge in corruption. And you know I hate to use strong language like that.

But then it's not having to explain themselves to me that they should be worried about, is it?

URGENT- Please remember me during your daily devotionals. I think my house is done infested with fleas, and I can't stop scratching.

2006-07-21T16:19:00.000-04:00

Stay lean, sand keep your church mean.

Any coach of an athletic sporting team will tell you success breeds from having a tight team, with members who have practiced together often, and who have memorized all the team's plays.

At no time during a football game have I ever seen the coach or quarterback suddenly wave to the crowd, and invite whoever feels like it to "come on down" and join the game, and make up new plays.

At The Beef Barn when I order steak, I expect that skinny waitress girl with the moustache to bring me a steak that's all meat, with all the fat and excess already trimmed away. (At least, I have done told her that often enough)

People, I do not want a waitress with no moustache, and I do not want fat served at my table because I do not eat fat, nor do I wish to pay for fat I do not eat.

From both these examples each person with eyes should hear what I'm saying: a college quarterback with 3000 receivers going long in the end zone cannot keep track of what's going on in his game.

And your congregation is no different from a steak, because fat only takes up space, and makes the meat think it needs a big new plate.

This is a Diet to Trim Down Your Congregation & Have Lean, Mean Members

1. Clothes tell that person's story. A sloppy person outside is a sloppy person inside, it can't be no different. Untrimmed hair, facial hair, artificial sun tans, tattoos, piercings and flip flops all mean the same thing: Trim that person off, and cast them out from your plate.

2. Look Inside Their Car. Rolled-up take-out bags, empty soda cans, or dirty floor mats all indicate that person is unclean and corrupt. New cars do not come from the factory filled with trash and pet chew toys laying all over the back seat. The person driving that car is trash, and you must carry them out to the curb, and leave them there for pick-up.

3. Listen How That Person Talks. A person who uses language in his speech with coarse, slang words like "Sweetie" and "Far out" should immediately be singled-out, chastised publicly, and have their mouths washed out at the next GA car-wash fundraiser.

People, life can only come out well-done when you order your steak like I do.

2006-07-18T06:02:00.000-04:00

When I need new clothes, I do not head straight for the Extra-Wide aisle and seek out pants. I do not purchase new shirts sized so large they could be folded over and used as car covers.

No sir, I know my size and thus I go with what fits. And how I know what fits is what feels most comfortable for me. Therefore I always buy clothes that are exactly the right size.

Much of what I know about clothes therefore also applies to what I know about churches. For just as clothes make a man, so does size make a church. And in the same way you see, clothes sized too big make a man flop around inside them like a clown, so does a church sized too big become a circus its own self.

However easy it may be to see that a man's clothes are the wrong fit, it is more difficult to always know the right size for a church. Therefore, I have compiled a quick list to help you know whether your church is too big, and if it needs to go on a diet and return to its right size:

-Do you know the names of every member at your church?
-If so, what about their addresses and birthdays?
-Has everyone at your church been going there their whole lives, or is your church always hindered with a bunch of beginners?
-Does your church have more people sick in the hospital or shut-in at home that your Pastor can visit in one week?
-Is there any member of your church who don't come to your family reunion?
-Has your church been forced to hold unnecessary fund raisers or go into debt to build new facilities to have a place to put people who dragged in?
-Do you have crazy nuts at your church who insist upon watering down your worship by inviting sinners to attend your services?
-Is your church parking lot paved?

People, if the answer to any of these questions is Yes then YOUR CHURCH IS TOO BIG and must immediately have the fat trimmed in order to serve a prime lean cut of Grade A spiritual beef.

2006-07-17T17:04:00.000-04:00

People, what I'm about to tell you may seem shocking, so be prepared to have rocks in your world.

Even preachers like me make mistakes. What do I mean by mistakes? Well, I will tell you.

This afternoon before lunch I realized I was running late and would be hard-pressed for time if I took an entire hour for my break.

Therefore I did not drive across town to the Beef Barn but instead wheeled into the drive-thru at the Meat-n-Stuff across the street.

Anyone who knows me knows one thing: I do not drink sweet tea, it is the beverage personification of filth, vileness and corruption and does not appear in either book Old or New. No one can show me where it's mentioned in no translation I've ever seen. Therefore I do not drink it.

Thus when I returned to the office and sat down to eat you can imagine what was in my super sized gulper cup. Sweet Tea!

I took one swallow before I knew it, and now my mouth is all puckered down at the corners like a smoked catfish, and my tongue feels like I done a quick resurfacing job with a wood rasp. It all figures.

To make sure my point is clear this is my point: It was not the fault of the skinny weird effeminate teenagers with tattoos, earrings and attitudes working the drive-thru at Meat-n-Stuff'. I knowed already what to expect from the way they was dressed:

Skinny Weird EffEminate Teenagers With Tattoos, Earrings and Attitudes

It was my fault for trying something new and different ---when I already know what works.

Filth does not arise from the same familiar things, filth rides in on the back of new things and springs out where we least expect, making us think it's noble and exciting.

But New is bad, you see.

Old is good and THE ONLY WAY I know. Besides, it works good enough for me in every way and that should be enough for anybody.

2006-07-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

I'm just plumb wound up and fixin' to cut loose. There's no two ways about it.

If ever comes a time when you want to sit down with the facts and ask your pastor a hard question, try to pin him down good and see if he'll squirm his way out of this.

Why is it we always got to have chicken for the Wednesday night suppers? Last time I think the fried wing surprise gave me the runs, and if I see one more gizzard I think I'll puke.

Say.

2006-07-10T15:02:00.000-04:00

People, my life has just about got to the point where I can't get a good night's sleep no more without the phone ringing in the middle of the night with somebody on the other end wanting to fill me in on the most recent developments at certain so-called modern churches.

Now you may think I've been sleeping too long with my head beside the stove pipe, because even I can't believe what I heard this time.

I heard that a pastor can take time off and go on "vacation."

Well, I wished somebody'd told me about that program about 30 years ago, cause in that case I could go ahead right now and take the rest of my life off, and just sit back enjoying the rewards of being an emeritus, like falling sleep and snoring on the front pew, and jabbing my cane at kids belonging to parents I don't like.

Let me let ya'll in on a little inside secret about what a preacher's life is really like ... we only work from 11-12 and 6-7 on Sundays, and then do a Sermon Light on Wednesday night.

That's 3 hours to fill the schedule, and then we're through for the week, you see.

A normal, uncrazy pastor spends the rest of his time driving back and forth for visitations, and maybe shows up once a year on Saturday mornings to wave goodbye to the seniors as they drag off in the church van to go apple picking every fall.

People, only having to put in a three hour work week is the main reason I felt called to preach in the first place. So I wish somebody could tell me what a pastor needs a vacation or relaxation for.

I get all the relaxation I need just sitting here by the window, shooting birds on the parking lot with my bb gun, and writing down lists of what's wrong with members of the congregation I don't like.

2006-07-08T00:14:00.000-04:00

People, sometimes life shows up unexpectedly and starts knocking at the back door.

My point is sometimes a situation will suddenly intrude in the last place on earth you'd expect, and you got no choice but to hold on tight and just go with what the doctor hands you.

People, I feel like I done got a whole new rectory.

Sorry I don't mean to sound emotional, like I'm expecting no flowers or even a nice card back in return.

All I mean is, well ... never mind, sometimes I wish doctors would quit sticking their fingers in my business, that's all.

2006-07-06T17:15:00.000-04:00

To the Shut-In Members of Our Congregation and Their Families:

People, what can turn out to be either one of the most rewarding or most humbling moments any pastor (at least, of a real church) can experience is likely to come at the moment when he least expects it.

For example, when he receives an urgent late night phone call from the family of one of our beloved seniors asking "Reverend, how soon can you git over here?" ... because it's a certainty that their dear family member's time is neigh. This is exactly what happened to me last night.

Shortly after 2 AM I received such a call, and in another moment I was dressed, and struck off into the night. To make a long story short it was one of the hardest things I ever done.

When I finally arrived at this man's house I let myself in, and immediately noticed that his sickroom was dark with shadows from just one pitiful little bulb glowing in the night light. He was barely breathing there in his bed, and looking down at his face it was hard trying to fit what I saw with the face I remembered.

Careful not to disturb him in any way, I clasped my hands together and kneeled down quietly right there on the floor. For the next five hours I weeped and sought help, ignoring the tremendous physical discomforts of all descriptions that tempted me to turn my back on this brother in his greatest hour of need.

Finally around dawn, just as I felt the last bit of my strength falling away from me, I heard the sheets rustle ... and was stunned to see this man move for the first time since I'd been there!

He sat up in the bed, looked over at me with his eyes as wide open as a steak platter and said, "Who in tarnation are you ... and how the sam hill did you get in here?!"

I never learned that man's name, but I do know he was ate up with filth, violence and agitation ... and that he kept a 12-gauge under the mattress.

People I only mention this in passing as a quiet request that, in the future, you speak slowly and give me a chance to write down the right directions to your house. Turns out I was at 16 Medowbrook, when I was supposed to be at 16 Middlebrook.

Your cooperation in this matter is much appreciated, else I will seek out an unlisted phone number.

2006-07-05T18:58:00.000-04:00

To avoid another crisis in the congregation, please do not miss tonight's special emergency Wednesday Night Business Meeting.

At issue is whether to paint the guest restroom's yellow, or keep them white like they are now. My own preference is to not have any guest restrooms in the first place, but don't let my opinion influence your decision. I just don't care that much one way or the other, except what I've already done said.

Please get there early, and remember not to shout or clap during the discussions, as we will have an extra police officer on duty for the evening in both the vestibule and outside my office.

2006-06-30T15:22:00.000-04:00

People I do not dance, swear, attend movies, pollute my ears with rock music, wear short pants or eat at buffets where spirit beverages is served before 4PM.

Neither do I encourage you to "surf" chatrooms on so-called interweb blogs, except to see me reminding you of every thing on earth you've ever done wrong and deserve to feel 100% pure guilty and ashamed about, and that's just for starters.

Somebody say amen, and click here as often as you need to.

2006-06-18T20:53:00.000-04:00

Why Cain't Some People Get With It?

Does no one know about what it means to be a kid no more?

Some so-called modern churches reach out to children, young people and teenagers, while ignoring the contributions of the seniors who've not only "Been Here, Don't Do That" but who paid the bills and served on several church committes before today's children were born.

Read and find out what is written: children are born evil, they're despicable and act ignerant, and all benefit from spankings each day ... like I did, and look how's I turned out, real good. If your kids pout on Sunday mornings about getting up and going to church, then I say Spank and Yank 'em off to Sunday School. It works, believe me & they will learn, you should try it.

So when I see ministrys ignoring seniors, aiming instead at spoiled children & hormone-crazy teens, I see one thing staring me in the face: it's Rock n' Roll, Rap Gangster and Hip Hopping Dancing Music pouring the poor old folks down the drain.

Nay, is what I say. Think less about the future and focus about what your elders done did in the past, and then reward them the most.

2006-06-16T23:13:00.000-04:00

People, when I was a kid my great grand daddy Reverend Joe Dale Senior Emeritus once told me me, "Little Reverend Joe Dale, always be careful what you ask for. Because one day, you might end up getting it."

Now. You might be asking me, What does that mean, exactly? Well, I will tell you.

Several months ago I may have made an unforgiveable mistake by turning my back on a certain so-called church in our community (course you wouldn't know it's a real church. It either looks like a drive-thru car wash for monster trucks, or a plant where they spray-paint booster rockets for the Space Shuttle).

You see, I thought if I ignored these cut-ups and their shenanigans long enough, that big new building would just eventually fall in on itself and rust away like everything else that starts off all new and exciting. But instead, the situation is much worse than I expected.

Therefore I must take action and act. The wayward sheep must all be rounded up, be counted and given names and then get led back into the house. I must speak, preach and say words out loud before vileness strikes another lick on its electrical guitars.

Deacon Murl agrees that big dogs must eat, lest they eat one another instead. So don't be surprised at who you might see at some time before you start looking.

A wise man does not hear wisdom and then go forth and allow a donkey to chew oats, turn around and then kick him in the pants. Therefore I say be careful what you ask for, for surely someone might be back on TV real soon. I don't know how to be no clearer than that.

Next Time: Who Needs A Real Good Blistering?

2006-05-18T14:07:00.000-04:00

Disruption of all sorts is inevitable when churches make mistakes. And one of the biggest mistakes a church can make is when it tries to change or do anything different.

If my words surprise you like a big ol' tom cat walking up on a mouse with a face full of cake, then take a deep breath and wait for your brain to cool down before reading further.

Back when I was a kid someone at our church had the bright idea of having a fund raising committee so we could buy a piano to go along with our organ. We never had no piano before and most folks believed piano music in church was sinful.

Then came time to paint the sanctuary. The walls had always been blue, but one widow woman stood up and said she thought white would be nice, for a change.

A few years later our Minister of Music complained he didn't make near enough money. Some know-it-alls argued that after 16 years he should get a raise, but the deacons were against it. (This man's heart was revealed when he quit and took up a job at another church that paid twice the money.)

My point is that each time somebody wanted change, half the congregation told the pastor to go to the devil, pulled their names off the their pews, and marched out taking their tithes with them.

These simple illustrations explain why Change Is Bad.

In 10 years our church has gone from 250 people down to 65 (including shut-ins) and should show you my point: Change causes disruption, friction and dissension. Trying different fads like rock music, videos, "greeting teams," using bait pails for the offering, or reading from non-King James interpretations is just the same as kicking a sleeping bulldog between the legs. It sounds like a good idea until you see the size of the teeth gnawing holes in your backside.

Some churches have a goal of getting big crowds through their doors. But if I poured week-old trash out on the driveway and attracted a crowd of flies and mice it don't mean garbage makes a good lunchtime snack.

I've learned that the best way to resist change in all its forms is by personally attacking "exciting" churches, and by not allowing my vision to extend beyond what I can already see.

2006-04-17T06:33:00.000-04:00

People, excuse me for one moment if what I'm about to say seems to make no sense whatsoever. If my words sound confused and bewildered then it's because I myself am confused and bewildered.

Now I did not confuse and bewilder my own self, you see. I am confused and bewildered by some of the shenanigans I see happening around me. Shenanigans in certain churches so out of touch that they must be commented on right here and right now.

Could somebody please tell me what the Da Vinchy code has to do with Easter?

Easter is not about whatever you wanna make it into. Easter is about bunny rabbits and baby chickens and hunting for Easter eggs ... just exactly the same as it was 2000 years ago. Why some people think they gotta change everything just to be different, when they don't even got no pews to fill to begin with?

People, I just don't get it.

It ain't enough that some churches allow electric guitars and vile clapping during their services. It ain't enough that now we got women wearing pants and men wearing tennis shoes and ball caps to church. But when it comes to serving pop corn and giving little kids t-shirts that say "These are my church clothes" then people, I just gotta draw the line and make three points.

1) If I walk into a building and don't see no pews then right off the bat I know I'm not in no real church. 2) You cannot concentrate and hear the message if you're sitting all folded-up in a comfortable seat in an air-conditioned building. 3) And if a church's got no pulpit then how're you supposed to know where to look and what to pay attention to during the service?

And don't even get me started on "What happened to the baptistry?"

People this is all common sense. Church is not about getting excited and making a bunch of noise. If I wanted to get excited and hear myself make a bunch of noise then I'd grab a broom, lock myself out the house and swat down that big hornet's nest off my back porch.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to criticize no other church, (especially not no real church). I'd never want to be accused of being jealous neither, especially since the way I teach is the one true and right way, after all. All I'm doing is pointing out their errors, their shortcomings and their many faults.

And besides, acting all arrogant and self-righteous is something I'm quite proud to say has never affected me none in the least.

2006-03-28T10:55:00.000-05:00

It's Time To Git Real Clean, ya'll.

Last week I received over 203 personal e-mails, faxes and phone calls (many of those were disguised as wrong numbers) from people asking me to go into more detail about the word Uncleanliness. What does Uncleanliness mean, exactly? Is it possible to get carried away and go too far down the road to Total Cleanliness?

Well, I'd rather be out on the front porch right now poppin' stinging bees with the fly swatter but as the need exists I will step forward and clear things up one more time.

Cleanliness cannot arise from dirt and Filth, and neither can Cleanliness arise from dust, artifical air purifiers or grout slime. Cleanliness is not cleanliness that comes from words. Cleanliness can only come from being entirely clean, you see.

You got to clean you face.

Now right now, some of you are out there are asking me, "Well Reverend Joe Dale, I seen you in your new video Stomping Out Filth On Your Family Vacations and couldn't help but notice that you got yourself a beard. Ain't having a beard one of the first signs of being unclean?"

Let me answer that question in two parts:

#1) I got a beard to cover-up an embarrassing facial disfiguration I received in childhood while trying to ride a bicycle and milk a cow at the same time.
#2) Smarty-britches like you should mind your own business and be glad after what I suffered that I can still grow a beard.

Now.

Probably the most overlooked aspect of Cleanliness is diet. Many folks will consume all manner of uncleanliness, which works its way out through the stomach and into the organs, carrying with it all types of foulness, tiny seeds and corruption. So it comes as no surprise that people who don't eat right find they are unclean inside as well as outside.

You got to get real clean inside before you can start thinking about cleaning up the outside.

Here's an excerpt from my new diet guide Feed You Face First from the Pious Plate.

"People, it's not enough to look down your noses at other people. You got
to learn to look down your nose and see what's on your plate. You
got to control what goes into your mouth before you can be the boss of
what comes out of your mouth.

"Just as you don't try to read every book or climb every tree your eyes
see, neither should you try to eat and consume every food you see. You
should accept that some foods is too thick, some foods is too high and need
to be cut back every spring."

I'll wrap things up by giving some free examples: Unclean foods include liver, grape nuts cereal, cottage cheese, lamb, beets and creatures with neither eyes nor legs.

Wholesome clean foods is hamburger steak with gravy and onions, french fries,buffalo wings (drums only), pork rinds, any 4-topping pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less, flavored coffees and Thousand Island dressing in moderation.

Next time I'll address the many misconceptions people have about Dry Cleaning and Dressing for Cleanliness.

2006-03-21T14:23:00.000-05:00

Weather got you down?

If I had a dime for everytime someone's come up to me today and (I don't wanna name no names but one of them is a deacon) asked me, "Why's the weather so bad this time of year?" then I'd just stay home this Sunday and try to figure out how to spend all my money.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about bad weather, floods, droughts and tornadoes being blamed on everything from exhaust fumes to the Space Shuttle on down to George Bush.

But none of that's true, you see.

The fact is that we're being punished by bad weather because of the HBO-tv cable channel.

That's right. Just look at their programming line-up, and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. The bigshots at HBO must not know how to watch an hour-long tv show unless it's filled with all types of cussing words, half-dressed floozy bimbo women and reckless high speed stunt driving.

And Americans don't know no better than to pile up on their couches to get their filling of filth, like pigs elbowing each other to get their turn at the trough.

When the airwaves carrying this kind of filth have filled up, it has to come loose and rain down on us as bad weather as plain as the nose on a horse's face ... cussing on tv causes tornados. Showing women dressed in micro-bikinis at the beach causes tidal waves, and car chases involving reckless driving can only lead to hurricanes and thunderstorms.

Think of the words I've said, and you will see what it is there to be seen, is what I'm saying.

2006-03-11T13:16:00.000-05:00

Why Can't More People Be Like Me?

Yesterday around lunchtime as I was driving to work, I had the chance to look at the folks in traffic around me and to tell you the truth, when the light turned green I was grateful I could just close my eyes and sit there for a minute to remind myself how glad I am not to be as wretched and ignorant as other folks. You see, I am a Patient & Careful Driver.

I'm not ashamed to confess that I used to be one of those men who could count on getting real upset in traffic if the guy behind me didn't drive right.

You know the kind of drivers I'm talking about ... the Steven Speedos who're always in a big hurry in their big SUVs, gotta get right up on your tail and stay glued there like a crow on a week-old road kill ... and then act like they're gonna have a stroke if you don't either speed up and start doing the speed limit-- or change lanes so they can get around. These are the same vain people who like to draw lots of self-important attention to themselves by flipping on their turn signals ... like they want everybody else to notice they're leaving, so folks behind them can all wave and say "Bye bye."

Give me a broken leg, for Pete's sake.

People, when I'm driving I only drive as fast as I want to ... usually about 10 miles under the limit. I no longer get mad at the guy behind me who starts blowing his horn--- because I realized that the way I drive is actually giving drivers like him as much time to read my life-changing bumperstickers ("Is It Hot Where You're Headed?") as they need.

And I'm gonna say this directly at you, Mr Horn-Blowing Tahoe 1500XL Siberian 4x4 Man ... turn signals is for sissies. If I'd wanted you to know where I was headed ... then I'd have invited you to go there with me.

Here's some other things I find so annoying it usually lays me up in the bed with a dogged splittin' headache:

Joggers: I pay taxes on my vehicle, not on my tennis shoes. Tennis shoes belong in the gym, not on the road

People Who Sing in their Cars: If you was any good, Nashville would already being paying you to do it

Impatient Big Shots in Department and Grocery Stores: I buy what I need with cash, and to keep track of what I spend I always count out my purchase down to the last penny, so the cashier don't have to burden me with no loose change. But this seems to somehow get on the nerves of the Big Shots in gym clothes in line behind me who can't wait to get back in their SUVs and start blowing their horns some more. I say to those people, "You need to build a bridge, and get under it."

That's all for today. Be sure when you come tomorrow to sit in your usual seat ... I'll be laying down the rules about whether it's wrong for single people to drink diet cola, even if they're already engaged. If you're of any account, then this is one message you don't want to miss.

If You've Got the Flu ... There Must Be A Reason

2006-03-09T10:04:00.000-05:00

People, if you waste your time watching all the filth, vileness and corruption on the TV, then you know it's the time of year when the so-called "doctors" come on the air to tell us, "It's flu season again." As though this is somehow the best time of the year to get sick, take off from work and lay up in the bed for a week, complaining of snot and a runny nose.

That's not just inaccurate, it's also plumb stupid.

What really makes people sick is spending too much time listening to experts, and not enough time listening to the truth. But that's what I'm here for, to spell out the truth in Big Bold Blog Letters.

Now. Does it really make any sense to think that something as small as a virus can suddenly make a grown man sick? The idea is ridiculous and was created by the companies that make huge profts from selling junk products like perfumes and skin lotion.

But right now you're probably asking, "Well Reverend Joe Dale, I thought I had the flu. My nose is dripping like a bus station faucet, and I feel so weak I can't hardly stand up. So what's really wrong with me?"

People, it's just as plain as the beak on a chicken's face. You are sick because have embraced all manner of filth, vileness and corruption, and must be punished for falling short. Not living right is what causes the so-called "flu," "head aches," and snot in particular. Now, what do I mean by living right?

Here's just a few things to start doing right away:

-Never congregate in groups of 6000 or more people
-Avoid bright lights, especially from big projector screens
-Shun men who wear bluejean dungarees on Sundays
-Avoid buildings that don't have windows
-Do not fraternize or associate with young people of any description

I have more to say on this, but right now I gotta scoot over to the hospital ... Deacon Murl injured hisself this morning with a nail gun trying to re-screen the kitchen door. Somehow his squirrel dog Bud stopped one, too. I'm not sure how but I mean to find out.

Surely that dog's been living right ... but I reckon some things you can't never know.

ps. Our Prayer Rugs are on backorder till next month, so stop calling me at the house.